Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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