I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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