I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
