Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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