Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
