Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
