You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
