The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
