just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
