I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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