so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
