So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
