Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
