I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
