I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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