I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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