i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
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You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
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I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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