The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
