You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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