So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
