I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
