Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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