my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
They took my balls.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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