all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
