Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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