captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
