I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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