im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
