i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
