awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
