This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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