I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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