I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
