i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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