I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize