Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
