I puked a lego.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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