God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
