You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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