Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I could fuck to npr.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
