Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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