Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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