do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
