I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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