I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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