I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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