If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
