My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
