i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
