Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
