That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
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I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
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I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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