4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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