My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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