there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
