i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
