By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
