On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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