I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
