there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
