just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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