Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
