i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
